my troubles with jesus

i have a problem with jesus; i don't know what to do with him.

a couple of years ago, around easter time, i was preparing for my annual welcome back jesus party, where i and my guests celebrate the resurrection of the prince of peace by getting totally hammered. we have a few traditions, like cross-kabobs and casting lots for jesus' robe, but i also like to do something special each year. for example, one year, it was a foot-washing contest; another year, i made a john the baptist dip holder (imagine a fake decapitated head with the mouth filled with ranch dressing, on a platter surrounded by carrots.)

anyway, that year i decided i wanted to invite buddy christ; he would provide some good photo ops for my guests. for those who are unfamiliar, he was first envisioned by kevin smith for his brilliant satirical film, dogma, as a attempt by the catholic church to make christianity more user-friendly.

i downloaded a pic of buddy christ from the intertubes and set about painting my own six foot tall jesus on a couple of sheets of pressed board nailed together. it was totally half-assed; i didn't get to it until the day before the party, and it's painted with poster paints, which just wash off, plus i managed to run out of red, so the robe looked pretty crappy. nevertheless, my buddy christ was a great success, and the life of the party.

after the party, i put jesus in the living room, not far from my computer/office area. i liked having him around; the grin, the wink, the thumbs-up gesture...he was just so darned friendly! it was nice to see his smiling face when i would come home from a hard day's work, and it became habit to greet jesus, and even high-five him as i would pass by when going about my day. he even helped me out by looking after my accessories from time to time.

but after a while, i began to wonder just what i was going to do with him. i considered throwing him away; after all, i'm not a christian, and he was just my own crappy painting on pressed board, for god's sake. but something in me balked at the image of god's living covenant made flesh sticking up out of my dumpster.

around that time, my cat jack added a new wrinkle to my problem when he peed on jesus' feet. as i carefully washed the feet of the lord, i had to wonder about jack's motives; was he disrespecting the son of god, or was he just playing into the whole theme with his own personal baptism? regardless, it was a problem. not only was it smelly and disgusting, it was threatening to wash the paint away. mary had oiled jesus' feet after washing, to protect them, so i did the next best thing-- i wrapped them in clear plastic contact shelf liner.

for a while, i considered the idea of hinging jesus. i figured, a hinge at the waist, and another at the knees, and i could fold the prince of peace for easy storage. better yet, i could take him with me in the car; it would be enormous fun to drive around with our savior buckled in the passenger seat as my co-pilot. another advantage would be in going to the movies; i hate sitting next to strangers, so having my own buddy jesus beside me would make me a lot more comfortable. the problem was, hinging him meant first cutting him in half...and i discovered i had serious issues with sawing jesus in two, much less hacking him off at the knees as well.

i eventually moved jesus into the basement and stood him at the foot of the stairs. i enjoyed seeing his happy face when i came down to do laundry, and would often high-five him as i went back upstairs.

unfortunately, a couple of days ago, i discovered a puddle of urine in front of jesus; another one of the four-legged residents of this house decided to anoint the feet of our savior. after another bout of foot-washing, i brought my poor beleaguered buddy to the safest place in the house; my room. but i already know he can't stay in here indefinitely; it's my BED room, for christ's sake, and as friendly as he is, i don't feel like sharing.

despite the troubles he's caused me, i don't hold buddy christ responsible; he's an innocent victim, after all, and i made the choice to bring him into my life. but i can say this from personal experience-- living with jesus is complicated.

 eta: march 18th, 2011

well, i'm still sharing a bedroom with jesus, but i found a happy solution to our awkward living arrangement--
 

 

edited to add-- omg. i just realized something. so i had a yard sale last weekend, and just for fun, i put my buddy jesus in the front yard to help advertise. well, some guy came up to me and said his wife wanted to buy jesus. i told him i hadn't really planned on selling jesus, but he asked me what i'd take for him, and i just named a figure without thinking, and the guy agreed. so i sold jesus, and it is only now, a week later, that i made the connection . . . . i sold jesus for $30. talk about history repeating!