the only thing snow is good for

we don't get snow all that often here in the tri-cities, and what snow we do get is usually pretty pathetic and substandard, snow-wise; it won't pack, starts to melt, ices over, and then just spends the rest of the winter trying to get itself tracked into my house. but one winter several years back was pretty severe by our standards, and there was snow on the ground for months. i finally decided to build me a snowman. i worked on it around five hours, coming in the house occasionally to defrost and change my gloves, and was pretty pleased with my result; joel, being the sweetheart he is, went out and took a few pictures.

good thing, too, because the next day some asshole smashed the whole thing. fucking prudes.

ever since then, i've been resolved to make another snowman, one that will REALLY get the neighbors attention...i was considering a male nude figure, facing the street, and it would probably involve some strategically placed pvc pipe and a garden hose to complete the effect. and wouldn't you know it, we FINALLY got some decent snow here this year...but what with my surgery and all, i haven't really been in a position to go out and kneel in the snow for a few hours. besides, rolling up a snowball requires a lot of bending that i'm not supposed to do, so i put the snowman idea on the back burner.

today, i was driving down wellsian way on my way to the store, when i passed richland high school and noticed a bunch of gigantic snowballs, scattered around the football field. several had been rolled up next to the fence; as i passed the third one, i suddenly thought of the statues on easter island. i immediately pulled over into the student parking lot, jumped out, and went to work, but i quickly got too cold. i drove home, bundled up in layers including rubber gloves and knee pads, downloaded a pic of several easter island statues for reference, and drove back to the field.

the next couple of hours passed in a happy fog of creation that only began to lift when i realized i couldn't feel my fingers or my toes anymore, and it was nighttime. i would have liked to slim my creation down some more, but i was too exhausted to go on; i guess kahuna would have to stay chunky.

under the flash, kahuna seemed really flat and washed out, but hey, what can ya do? and while the easter island statues are usually on the somber side, i gave my big fella a bit of a smile.

i thought the figure looked really good under the streetlights, so i turned off the flash and snapped a couple more pics--

i like this last image in particular, as kahuna dreamily contemplates the rush hour traffic.

i don't imagine kahuna will survive for long; the high school boys will have him destroyed by noon, no doubt. but i like to imagine that i might have inspired some of them to make the other snowballs into kahunas, too-- how fun would that be?

if i come up with any other snow creations this winter, i'll update this post, so keep your eyes open.

my troubles with jesus

i have a problem with jesus; i don't know what to do with him.

a couple of years ago, around easter time, i was preparing for my annual welcome back jesus party, where i and my guests celebrate the resurrection of the prince of peace by getting totally hammered. we have a few traditions, like cross-kabobs and casting lots for jesus' robe, but i also like to do something special each year. for example, one year, it was a foot-washing contest; another year, i made a john the baptist dip holder (imagine a fake decapitated head with the mouth filled with ranch dressing, on a platter surrounded by carrots.)

anyway, that year i decided i wanted to invite buddy christ; he would provide some good photo ops for my guests. for those who are unfamiliar, he was first envisioned by kevin smith for his brilliant satirical film, dogma, as a attempt by the catholic church to make christianity more user-friendly.

i downloaded a pic of buddy christ from the intertubes and set about painting my own six foot tall jesus on a couple of sheets of pressed board nailed together. it was totally half-assed; i didn't get to it until the day before the party, and it's painted with poster paints, which just wash off, plus i managed to run out of red, so the robe looked pretty crappy. nevertheless, my buddy christ was a great success, and the life of the party.

after the party, i put jesus in the living room, not far from my computer/office area. i liked having him around; the grin, the wink, the thumbs-up gesture...he was just so darned friendly! it was nice to see his smiling face when i would come home from a hard day's work, and it became habit to greet jesus, and even high-five him as i would pass by when going about my day. he even helped me out by looking after my accessories from time to time.

but after a while, i began to wonder just what i was going to do with him. i considered throwing him away; after all, i'm not a christian, and he was just my own crappy painting on pressed board, for god's sake. but something in me balked at the image of god's living covenant made flesh sticking up out of my dumpster.

around that time, my cat jack added a new wrinkle to my problem when he peed on jesus' feet. as i carefully washed the feet of the lord, i had to wonder about jack's motives; was he disrespecting the son of god, or was he just playing into the whole theme with his own personal baptism? regardless, it was a problem. not only was it smelly and disgusting, it was threatening to wash the paint away. mary had oiled jesus' feet after washing, to protect them, so i did the next best thing-- i wrapped them in clear plastic contact shelf liner.

for a while, i considered the idea of hinging jesus. i figured, a hinge at the waist, and another at the knees, and i could fold the prince of peace for easy storage. better yet, i could take him with me in the car; it would be enormous fun to drive around with our savior buckled in the passenger seat as my co-pilot. another advantage would be in going to the movies; i hate sitting next to strangers, so having my own buddy jesus beside me would make me a lot more comfortable. the problem was, hinging him meant first cutting him in half...and i discovered i had serious issues with sawing jesus in two, much less hacking him off at the knees as well.

i eventually moved jesus into the basement and stood him at the foot of the stairs. i enjoyed seeing his happy face when i came down to do laundry, and would often high-five him as i went back upstairs.

unfortunately, a couple of days ago, i discovered a puddle of urine in front of jesus; another one of the four-legged residents of this house decided to anoint the feet of our savior. after another bout of foot-washing, i brought my poor beleaguered buddy to the safest place in the house; my room. but i already know he can't stay in here indefinitely; it's my BED room, for christ's sake, and as friendly as he is, i don't feel like sharing.

despite the troubles he's caused me, i don't hold buddy christ responsible; he's an innocent victim, after all, and i made the choice to bring him into my life. but i can say this from personal experience-- living with jesus is complicated.

 eta: march 18th, 2011

well, i'm still sharing a bedroom with jesus, but i found a happy solution to our awkward living arrangement--
 

 

edited to add-- omg. i just realized something. so i had a yard sale last weekend, and just for fun, i put my buddy jesus in the front yard to help advertise. well, some guy came up to me and said his wife wanted to buy jesus. i told him i hadn't really planned on selling jesus, but he asked me what i'd take for him, and i just named a figure without thinking, and the guy agreed. so i sold jesus, and it is only now, a week later, that i made the connection . . . . i sold jesus for $30. talk about history repeating!